How did I do?? A year's review.

Last January 1, I listed 10 goals for myself.  I am excited for a new year to make new goals, but before I do, let's see how well I accomplished last year's goals.

1)  Pray on my knees twice daily.  This I accomplished probably 90% of the time.  I got a little lax in December with my night time prayers, ending up praying in bed sitting up.  So, still more work to do here.

2)  Keep the Sabbath more fervently.  I am very happy with my progress here.  I can say that I have transformed my Sabbath into a more spiritual experience.  There was one Sunday (the 1 year anniversary of Paul's death) that I didn't do this, but almost every other Sunday was good.  My growth in this area will be to start doing more good on the Sabbath.

3)  Read the Book of Mormon daily.  I might have missed 2 days, but that is it.  Wow, it has been wonderful.  I finished the book twice.  President Nelson's challenge really changed the way I read.  I started every day reading.  I love this book for sure!

4) Read one book for spiritual growth each month.  HMMM.  I think I read 2 books.  So, no.  I didn't even come close to this one.

5)  Study and pass BCOP.  I did a lot for this.  However, I do not feel that I am ready for this.  I didn't sign up for the exam.  I doubt I will sign up for the May exam either.  I will have to revisit this goal.

6)  Pay off credit card and 1/2 of IRS.  Well, I certainly am out of credit card debt, accomplishing that part of this goal early in March.  I consistently paid the IRS but didn't pay extra.  I probably only paid of 1/5 of that.  So this goal will be revisited this year.

7)  Eat less junk food and more vegetables.  Yes.  A goal I achieved and have enjoyed.  I lost 30 pounds this year and love eating good and healthy food.  I crave vegetables and salad.  I also started doing yoga which took care of my back pain.  I love being healthy.

8)  Empty storage unit by Thanksgiving.  Not done.  This has been a mental hardship on me all year.  I haven't even removed Paul's clothes from my home, let alone go to the storage unit....Enough said.

9)  Go to the movies twice a month.  I think on average I met this goal.  This was a fun and silly goal, but I think it was good for me to make sure that I don't just shut myself up in my home and do nothing.  I have had fun going to the movies with my kids and grandkids.  I already purchased a lot of movie vouchers for this year too!

10) Review progress on goals weekly.  I did this probably about 50% of the time.  It might just need to be done only monthly.  I will also make this my 10th goal every year.  It is good to review your goals and adjust where adjustment is needed.  I copy and pasted my goals onto my calendar to come up every Sunday evening.  That way I was reminded each week.

To sum it up.  I did great.  I didn't accomplish everything, but I grew and did A LOT.  I am pleased with my efforts.  I am still in the throws of mourning my previous life, but I can and will survive and come out on top.  My testimony has grown, my life is happy, I have found new skills and new friends.  Life is good.

The Nutcracker

Oh yes, oh yes.  I went to go see the Nutcracker and the 4th realm tonight.  I think it's worth the money.  When I say money, I say about $100.  I treated some daughters and granddaughters to the movie and dinner.  I enjoyed the movie and now have my Halloween costume picked out for next year.  Speaking of Halloween, check out my costume below.  This was at the ward halloween party.  I was pretty excited about it.  I made the hat, and everything else I bought piece meal.  I then wore said costume to the family Halloween party.  I didn't win that costume contest, but I looked pretty good.  Then again on Tuesday, actual Halloween, I wore the costume again.  I think I did a little better on the make up the second time.  I won 3rd place in the costume contest at work.  So that was a fun deal.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I have already started shopping for Christmas and want to get my Christmas Tree and decorations up prior to Thanksgiving.  I have lots of days off around Thanksgiving, so I can do lots of shopping and get all the gifts ready.  Then I can relax between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Whoop.

My dogs are driving me crazy.  The chew up EVERYTHING.  I have lost a few expensive shoes.  They actually chewed up my hat from my Halloween costume along with all the other black fluff balls that I bought.  They get up on my desk and get pens or food, whatever I accidentally leave there.  They are pretty good about being house trained which is a blessing, at least.

I still haven't put Paul's stuff away.  I figured there was no need to even worry about it at the point.  If I couldn't do it in the year after he died, then I will just keep all his clothes.  At some time, I will get rid of things here and there, no need to stress about it.  Fuhget about it!  Hahah

I held hands with a stranger

It is evident in all of my writings that I have a fear of flying.  For the most part, I have been able to fly, though, grinning and bearing it.  In March, I flew to Florida by myself.  I did great.  I was hardly afraid at all.  So a quick flight to Salt Lake should have been a breeze.  I did, however, make sure to pack my anxiety pills, just in case.  When I first got on the plane, I realized that there was a person sitting in the seat next to me.  He looked, um, shall we say, kind of burly, maybe someone I DID NOT want to sit next to for the flight.  Well, I settled in next to him, and he started to chat with me.  He told me his name, asked me what I was reading, asked me where I was going, that sort of stuff.  My fear of flying includes me wanting to just stare out the window.  I am not prone to make light conversation with anyone, much less a stranger.  But I tried to answer him politely and get back to my window-watching.  We happened to have a lot in common.  He was going home to see his dad, I was going to go see mine.  He was a nervous flier, so was I, except his manifested in chatting with the window-watchers.  He turned out to be pretty interesting.  He was a member of my church but hadn't gone in many years. In fact, he was going home to get counsel from his dad on his life.  Pretty cool.  My short trip to Salt Lake, generally about 54 minutes usually took the normal course around the 30 minute mark and we started our descent.  The problem was that we really started to hit some turbulence, so much so, that they made the flight attendants take their seats.  (The flight attendants never got back up, by the way.)  I tried to talk with my new friend, thinking that we had only a short time left in the air, but this was serious stuff as we were bouncing around in the air.  I wanted more than anything to hop up and get my medication.  But at the same time, I wanted to master this stupid fear.  It kept getting worse.  Thirty minutes passed and we still weren't even close to the ground.  Actually, I couldn't see the ground, but I definitely didn't see any lights.  I wanted to cry, but was too embarrassed.  So I gripped my hands and clenched my teeth.  Suddenly, this sweet stranger, reached over and grabbed my hand in his and said that everything is going to be all right.  I was shocked and embarrassed, but he was so calm and sweet about it that I just let him hold my hand.  A couple of times, when the bumps got worse, he would take his other hand and gently rub the top of my hand to remind me that we were going to be ok.  For some reason, the flight was 30 minutes longer than the normal 54 minutes.  But there I sat for 30 minutes with my fingers intertwined with those of a stranger.  I laughed when I told him I couldn't wait to tell my kids I held hands with a navy submariner.  But I thanked him profusely for being there for me.  When we got off the plane, we both went our separate ways.  Maybe he detected my shame and embarrassment.  Maybe he was just a good guy.  I don't even know his name, but he made my life a little better.  Thanks. 

It's in de past

I did something that I thought would be good today.  Instead I ended up in a sobbing heap.  I found a journal from 1993.  It was a tumultuous time in my life.  I decided I would read it.  As I was reading, I began to feel incredibly sad for the life that I lived at that time.  Instead of just stopping, I forced myself to continue.  As I finished up the 4-5 month journal I was sobbing. It was so horrible. I felt like I was reliving the past.  I cannot even imagine why I continued to read.  My dogs followed me around closely afterwards as if to help calm me.  But all I could do was cry.  I thought journal keeping was supposed to be wonderful.  Nope, not today.  I will be throwing that one away. 

Yoga is for Hippies!

When I was little, my four older brothers used the word "kicker".  Not sure the true meaning, but my 7-8 year old mind kind of viewed it as a hillbilly.  I could be wrong.  Anyway, along a different line, but the same kind of name-calling applies to what I consider "hippies."  These are the earthy people who don't shave their legs or wear deodorant.   I am the complete opposite of earthy.  I leave a very large footprint on the world.  I don't save cans or recycle my bottles of water.  In fact, I never refill a bottle of water from the sink.  And then I throw the empty bottle in the regular trash.  I drive a gas-guzzling truck.  I use super hot water.  I have 2 refrigerators.  Years ago, when the city forced me to pay for a recycling bin, I filled it with regular trash and let them figure it out.  You get the picture. 

Anyway, I have always considered that Yoga is one of those activities done by earthy hippies. So I have avoided it.  Unfortunately, I have had back pain for years.  Every morning I dutifully take 2 acetaminophen 500mg tabs to start my day off right.  After that wasn't enough, I read a book about pain and started stretching out my back for 6 minutes every morning.  Then it got to the point that I actually ended up going to the doctor about my back pain.  He referred me to physical therapy, which I did for 1 day.  I didn't want to go down any strong medication route.  Being a pharmacist, I see what that stuff does to the body.  It seemed to me that physical therapy was the way to go, but I needed a coach.  Then I talked with my visiting teacher who talked about yoga.  I said "sure" all the while in the back of my head I am thinking, "no freaking way."  But there was a good deal at the local yoga outlet.  So I went for 3 classes.  Surprisingly, I felt looser and better.  But the 3rd class really was too difficult for me so I didn't want to go back.  Now in this day and age of Netflix, YouTube, and Amazon Prime Videos, I decided to search for free classes.  There are so many classes.  I just search, "beginner" "yoga" "back pain."  And I am now sold.  I have done yoga solid for 2 or 3 weeks.  I love it.  My back feels amazing.  I am still very much a beginner. 

So for all you out there who think yoga is for hippies. . . it probably is.  But it works for back pain.  And for that I am grateful. 

Don't get to go see my dad.

I have a trip planned.  I have been looking forward for 3 months to this trip.  I was going to go see my dad.  We were going to spend 5 days together just hanging out.  I booked my flight and have been anxious for my vacation to begin in 2 days.  But my dad called me today.  He isn't going to be able to make it because his doctor won't clear him to travel.  This makes me sad.  I specifically arranged this trip because I could not make the family reunion in about 1 month. 

So I dutifully contacted Delta to cancel my flight.  I had used 15,000 miles to purchase this ticket.  They refunded me my taxes, but I had to pay $150 to get my 15,000 miles back.  That was almost the cost of the ticket without miles in the first place.  I went ahead and paid, because I think you have to spend $15,000 on their credit card to get 15,000 miles, so it was a good deal for the miles.  But in the end, I paid $150 for a ticket that I didn't use and didn't get any extra miles or anything.  Somehow I feel scammed.  Rrrg.

From Dearest of Friends

I received this October 14, 2017 (2 weeks after Paul died).  Everyone should have friends that bless them like this at all times  Be that friend.  I will strive to be a better friend.  Sometimes I cry when I read it.  I am particularly touched by the reality of my new access to Deity. 

Oh, hon, you have been in our thoughts constantly since leaving the funeral and traveling back to Phoenix.  This is a "one set of footprints in the sand" kind of time, and we know from personal life experiences, our testimony that you and the Savior are having a very special walk right now.  We know He is carrying you, PerriAnn! This is a bittersweet time, most bitter because of your separation from your beloved eternal companion, and yes, sweet beyond measure because the dear Lord is cradling you in his very arms.  As daughters of God in a covenant marriage relationship we approach our Father's throne together with the patriarch and priesthood holder of our family. With this line of authority now temporarily held in abeyance and suspended here in mortality, you now have direct access to Deity.  PerriAnn, no one has Jesus Christ's heart as do the widows and the fatherless!  He loves you!  He will lift your burdens!  He will comfort you!  He will intercede with the Father on your behalf!

How we have missed you!  Looking back on past years now gone forever, we want to apologize for letting our friendship drift, for want of our staying in touch.  We had no idea, the fault being our own, of the extent to which you and Paul were agonizing.  As the true friends we would wish to be, we should have made ourselves aware and been there for both of you!  Not being ones to complain, in spite of unbelievable burdens that would have broken anyone else, you carried on, and now the blessings we might have claimed by staying closer...have gone to others.  We have been taught a great life lesson!  Forgive us! 

PerriAnn, as we have reflected upon you and upon what a perfect help-meet you were to our husband, the one word that keeps coming back and back to us is "Respect."  We want you to know that you have our undying admiration and respect for all you are and for all you have done and accomplished these many years since we have known you.  When we think of how you started out, a young woman taking on a new husband, a new marriage, and the social relationships and ramifications that went with it, five very needy and young children, your two own precious darlings to rescue and bring home with overwhelming odds against you...who can help but be awed by you and the hand of God in your lives??  No one knows better than we, all the emotional baggage that accompanies burying a first spouse.  PerriAnn, though we know but the tip of the iceberg, we have seen you endure horrendous, innumerable situations with patience and grace...that have made you saint in our book!  Seeing just a glimmer of your true greatness and how far the dear Lord has brought you at such a relatively young age we can only conclude that an equally miraculous future awaits you.  Your superior abilities, talents, intellect and wisdom have prepared you to continue building the Kingdom of God as a highly effective instrument in his hands and we believe that will happen!  Sweetheart, our roots with one another run deep and our memories of you and Paul are still sweet and fragrant.  Our love for you, Paul, and your children are woven into our very being!  You are among those with whom we want to spend eternity!  Going forward may the dear Lord help us to not repeat past mistakes but endeavor to remain close, supportive, and loving!  PerriAnn, you are everyone's treasure!  Paul chose wisely!  Henceforth, you will be known in our family as our very own "Baby PerriAnn," and we hereby bestow the honorary title of Bay PerriAnn upon you...along with A LIFETIME OF SPOILING!!  God bless and keep you our dearest, dearest girl, and all our love from your forever friends. 

Motivation

I actually pray when I get home to have energy to stay up and work on my bedroom.  I cannot seem to get it together to put away all of Paul's stuff.  I don't have a problem with my stuff.  Just trying to figure out what to do with the endless amounts of things that are too valuable to throw away, not quite valuable enough to sell, and saving for later when I might need to use them.  I have piles of this stuff.  Who knew it would be this hard?!

Fitness buddy

I called in sick today.  It started last night with a severe migraine.  Migraines are usually the reason for my sick days.  I doubled down on my migraine medication last night hoping it would keep it at bay.  Unfortunately when my alarm went off at 4:30 am, my headache was still bad.  So I sent in my appropriate texts and calls.  Then I took some compazine and benadryl, a new novel approach to migraines.  Well, of course I fell asleep.  According to my fitbit, I slept 14 hours and 29 minutes.  That isn't the interesting part, though.  What is interesting is that it also said I have walked 5,201 steps since midnight.  Not sure how that is even possible.  Did I sleep walk?  Sleep exercise?  It takes about 6 times around my block to get over 5,000 steps.  Hmmmmm.  So now it is about noon.  My headache is still lingering, but I am up and about at this point.  I think I might survive.  Ugh. 

In other news, the headstone is put up on Paul's grave.  I am happy with it.

My Anniversary

Today is my anniversary.  I am scheduled to work today, but I woke up with a migraine.  It is my own fault.  I felt sorry for myself last night and really wanted ice cream.  The only ice cream I had was some of Paul's in the freezer.  It had pecans in it.  I didn't care, I just wanted to cry and eat ice cream.  Of course I am paying for it today.  I have taken my medication.  I called in sick.  Now here I sit wondering what to do with myself.  My plan is to go do sealings tonight and to go eat dinner at Spaghetti Factory.  Our favorite meal there is Mazithra. 

It's been 147 days since Paul died, 4 months and 25 days.  It seems to go too fast.  I don't want all these "firsts" to be done.  I want to stay close to September 30, 2017.  Maybe because he "is" on that day.  The farther away from that day, the farther I am from him.  It doesn't really make sense in words. 

Weird Gadgets

I bought a mole remover from Amazon.  I can't really tell if I like it yet.  It seems to work but it smells like burning flesh (because it is burning flesh).  And it hurts.  Not when I burn of the tops of my moles, but days afterward with all my bloody holes all over.  AND I only did 3.  We will see if I attempt it again.

Why I cry...

I have cried a few times in the last few days.  I cry at weird times.

1)  I cried when I updated my calendar for a Valentine's Day chocolate fest.  Mostly because whenever my dad has single children, he gives them Valentine's gifts.  So I guess I might be getting a Valentine gift this year.  See, it makes me cry just writing about it.

2)  I cried in choir last night when the director talked about each person is important in their individual sphere.  I don't know what about that makes me sad.  I think it is because I actually feel pretty useless right now. 

3)  I still cry in the car when I think about driving Paul to the hospital the Friday night before he died.  I play over and over in my mind, how resigned he was to going to the emergency room  because his temperature was high.  He hung his head in the passenger seat.  I could feel his sadness, and it hurts me to remember that.  I wonder if he knew.  I wonder if he was just too sick to care. 

4)  I cried when the vacation calendar got to me.  I remembered last year as we planned out what we would do with my time off.  As I planned out what I would do this year without him and try to make some sense of it all, I was brought to tears.

5)  I cried when the stake president said that some women in the room were just trying to get through each day.  I quickly told myself that it wasn't me.  I am a super hero mourner.  But then realized that I truly do just try to get through each day so that I can move on to the next, without purpose, without excitement.  I am happy and sad at the same time.  Blessed, but lonely.  Full of gratitude but lost as to what to do with my life without Paul. 

Yeah, so that is my story right now.  Not a blubbering mess, but someone drowning in the mire of mourning.  Feeling as if I am sucking air through a straw as my head goes under.  Yet, somehow, someway, knowing that I am OK.  Just surviving and feeling blessed to be at least that good.

Who can I whine to about my cold?

Yes, my world still revolves around the fact that Paul died.  I think daily, hourly, and every minute about how he isn't here with me anymore.  My thoughts aren't always sad or lonely, sometimes they are filled with the joy of knowing that I am loved completely.  Other times I am bouyed up by my knowledge of the resurrection and that we will be together sooner than I think.  Yet, there are those times that I absolutely yearn to tell him my thoughts.  I want to let him know how happy he made me.  I want to tell him that I had a good or bad day at work. I want to tell him how ugly I feel trying to figure out what to wear without him.  I missed the embarrassing large amount of presents for me under the tree this year.  Who will fill my wardrobe with ridiculously expensive and abundant clothing?  And more importantly today, who will listen to me whine with my "man" cold.  I want to go moan around him and let him know that I have a miserable stuffy nose and can't stop sneezing.  NO ONE ELSE in this world cares about this stuff.  BUT HE DID.  And I miss it.  I can handle anything with him, and without him I struggle.  Sorry, downer post.  Happy New Year!