Merry Christmas 2016

I am always melancholy on Christmas. Not sure why.  I personally think it is stupid to be sad on such an amazing day.  So I have an inward struggle constantly on the very special day.  I always try to hide it, because no one wants to see a cry baby on Christmas.  Anyway, my Christmas was great.  I my sweetie stayed up all night the night before wrapping presents for me.  I gave him one.  This happens every year. I open and open and open.  Then I hand over his 1 or 2 gifts that I buy him.  Every year I warn him that he should only get me a few things and no clothes.  He never listens.  But it was fun.

Because Christmas fell on Sunday, though, it was extra special.  We got to go to church and take the sacrament and remind ourselves of really why and who we celebrate this day.  It was probably the best Christmas sacrament meeting.  We didn't have a program with choir or solos.  It was simply the Christmas story with the congregation singing the Christmas hymns.  And, boy, did we sing.  The organist was one who likes to jazz things up.  Gotta love that. Chris and Emily sat behind us.  He kept commenting about how much he loved it.  I kept shhhushing him.  He cannot be shushed.

After church we went home and made some blond brownies and went to Harold and Cynthia's for dinner.  They are sweet and we always have a good time with them.  We will spend this morning with Catherine and Cris for breakfast.  I am looking forward to that.

Then the holiday is over.  Maybe it is the 30 day build up and the knowledge that now it is over that makes it so sad.  Here are some fun pics for the last few days.
Matching dresses

 Christmas Eve at BJs

 Working Christmas Eve at CVS.

Day 11 - 14 days left to Christmas

It's obvious I missed a few days here.

I am actually giving a lesson today in Relief Society about being "no less serviceable."  It is kind of a funny title.   I am going to talk about the fact that no matter how much you are recognized for your service, does nothing to increase or decrease the amount of service you give.  For example, I donated a kidney 5 years ago.  Sometimes, I see in the news about someone donating a kidney to someone.  And it makes the news!  Wait a minute, I donated a kidney.  I saved a life!  How come....there isn't a news story about me?  But then I have to bring myself back down and remember that my service is no less serviceable than the person who got accolades.  And what am I actually looking for?  I also need to remind myself that there are thousands of people every day who are serving me and others.  For example, there are people who are working in the grocery store who would rather be somewhere else.  They may have back or leg pain that is nearly unbearable, but there they are, serving me.  If they weren't there, I would not be able to have the things I need.  I also look back to those primary choristers.  I have no idea their names.  They taught me the primary songs.  Those little nuggets of gospel truths that hid inside my soul for years while I was inactive, keeping me tied to the Savior.  Without those little bits of truth taught to me years ago, how could I have ever known the beauty of God's love?!  Thank you, you unsung heroes.  Or, who really did teach and baptize my early ancestors the gospel?  I haven't a clue.  They don't know me, but oh, how they have affected my life.  They were no less serviceable than many of the early "famous" LDS saints.

It has been a whirlwind month so far.  My Christmas shopping is almost done.  I have enjoyed shopping this year because we saved up plenty of money.  We have a new home, and we decorated it so beautifully.  But it is also a quiet year this year.  Paul is sick.  He is tired.  He is recovering from a serious blood infection.  We worry about his health.  We turn to the Savior for comfort and find peace and joy.

Service Day 1 - December 2

I was the receiver.  All of my kids who live in the area decided to make my day by sharing one of my favorite holiday traditions with me.  I love to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" each year.  I love the feel good ending.  I think it was sweet that my kids would think of me and want to make a time for me to see it.  I bought pizza for everyone.  In another act of service, my youngest paid for most of the pizza.  What a blessing my kids are!   love them.

Service Day 1 - December 1

Our church is doing 25 days of service this year.  I think it is an amazing idea.  I have all sorts of plans to serve everyone.  .....  Then December 1 arrived and all I could do was come home, scrounge around in my refrigerator, end up going to Taco Bell, and watch TV for a while.  After that I was able to babysit the grandkids for a couple of hours.  While they were there, we had the best time sorting through some Christmas gifts for the aunts and uncles.  I looked back on the day and realized that I did get to serve by teaching my grandchildren a little about giving.  I also got to hold one of my youngest grandchildren on my chest while she slept.  She was sick and never lets anyone hold her while she sleeps.  She was adorable, but a sad case of cough and sniffles and drool.  I hope my service last night was acceptable.  It wasn't to a stranger, but it was to my family.

Another group of my grandkids brought in people's garbage cans.  I thought I might do that this morning.  The problem is that I wasn't sure where to bring them.  If I brought them to the front of their garage, it might have made more work for them.  If I brought it to the side of their house, they may not have liked me lingering beside there house.  So I didn't do that.  Tomorrow's post will reveal what Day 2's service was.....

Home is Where...

I have waited a week to write this because I wanted to soak up the feelings and make sure I wasn't just imagining what I was feeling last week.

We moved out of our old ward.  It is very sad to leave a ward where you love the people, and you know they love you too.  I was the RS president and felt a deep love for all the sisters there.  Leaving was painful.  At the same time, we felt very good about leaving.  We felt the timing was right. In fact, I was super excited to attend our new ward.

The last Sunday in our old ward was the first Sunday in our new ward.  So I will tell you about that wonderful Sunday.  I hadn't been 2 church in 3 weeks.  I had worked the Sunday before and the Sunday after General Conference.  That meant that I hadn't taken the Sacrament in 4 weeks.  I was looking forward to getting myself right with the Lord.  When we got to our old ward building, we were met by our best friend in the ward.  We practiced with the ward choir.  Every time I saw a sister, I had a sweet feeling of love, and I was able to go up to her and tell her how much I loved her and that I would miss her.  Lots of hugs and laughter.  It was a wonderful good bye.  The choir got to sing 2 songs, and we did great.  Paul did a great job with the choir.  He turned us groups of non-singers into a handsome chorus.

We said our final good-byes and drove up to our new ward.  We were 30 minutes late, but it was the primary program, and we had already taken the Sacrament.  We had to sit in the very last row.  A sister sitting next to Paul chatted a little bit with him, asking if he was a visiting grandparent of one of the grandkids.  The kids did great, and I leaned over to Paul at one point and said, "I feel at home."  There were a ton of visitors.   There were so many visitors that no one really paid much attention to us.  We were off to Sunday school.  A woman came up to me and said that she was a member of the years for 30+ years and that she felt like she should know me.  She said her name was "JoAnn Roberts."  I thought I had misunderstood and asked her to repeat it.  I couldn't believe that the first (and only) person to introduce themself to me would have my mother's name.  I believe it was a tender mercy from the Lord.  (I would have to explain that in another blog.)

Priesthood and Relief Society were combined because a missionary couple who had just returned from Kosovo were going to give their report.  That was another reason for so many visitors.  It was FABULOUS.  It made me want to serve a mission. I wanted to hear more about their mission than they were able to talk about in that 3 hour.  In fact, I think the church should maybe consider using the 3rd hour for missionary reports.  But, alas, who am I?  After church, we met up with a counselor in the bishopric to get our records transferred.  It took all of 6 seconds.  There was a little bit of finality in that.  It feels so good and so fresh for me.  I love it.

After church we then went over to the Spanish branch.  They were having their primary program too.  It was so wonderful to hear those little children sing.  Our granddaughter gave a little talk about Joseph Smith.  She did a great job.  But the most stunning part of the program was when they sang Love One Another.  They sang the first verse, then for the second verse, they were silent and just signed the whole second verse.  Many people cried.  It was quite emotional.

All in all, it was one of my very favorite Sundays ever.  I couldn't wait to come back to church this week.  I am home again.

New Home

It's been 5 years since we owned our home.  We have been renting.  First we rented an apartment, which was fun for a year.  Then we moved into a house and rented.  It was a perfect set up.  We loved our little home.  But we always knew we wanted to own a home again.  Within the last 6 months, I have really felt the pull to move closer to the kids.  It started about a year ago, but we began searching in earnest recently.  We were just waiting for me to get the job offer and to work a little bit. We even actually had the house we wanted picked out.

Funny how things work out though.  The house we wanted was in a new development, and we were excited to buy all the upgrades and pick everything brand new.  They called us and told us the house was going to be $25,000-30,000 more than they had originally told us.  This really messes things up, because if we put in all the upgrades (we calculated about $50,000), then the house would cost more than it would likely appraise.  This would cause all sorts of problems for the loan, etc.  We had to think long and hard.  But in an inspired moment, Paul mentioned that he would rather buy a smaller home and have monthly spending money than buy a bigger house.  Immediately, we thought back to a home we had looked at about 2 years ago.  This home was in a development very close to our kids.  So we asked our agent to see if any of those homes were for sale now.  Yay!  There were a couple of them for sale and we fell in love with one of them.  It turns out to be about $120,000 cheaper than we thought we might be spending.  AND, best of all, everything is upgraded.  (Well, we do want to change the countertops, not due to upgrade, but due to color).  We are very happy with our purchase.

The loan just funded today, and I am excited that we might get our key tonight.  We are happy to get started bringing our stuff over.  We also can get rid of our storage unit.  Though, there probably isn't room in the new home for our stuff there.  But now we can get rid of stuff we don't need.  We have paid about $150 per month for the last 4 years, $7,200!!!  WHAT?!?!  Can't wait to get rid of that expense.  Not only that, I wonder what we haven't used in 4 years that we really, really need.  Or what we can just throw away.  Actually, maybe donate it and get the tax write off?

Super exciting!  View my luxurious bathroom!

Car Smart

I drive a little red Smart car.  It is cute and fits my style quite well.  I have been driving this car for over 2 years now, and I have somewhat of an opinion about this car.  First, though, a little history.  The first time I was introduced to Smart cars, I was sitting on a tour bus somewhere in Europe.  I had 5 teenagers at the time.  My heart lept as I exclaimed to those around me, "I need 6 of those!"  I inquired as to the price and found them to be very reasonably priced around $10,000 new.  But, alas, they were not available in the United States yet.

Flash forward 10 years.  Smart cars were available in the United States.  I think I already had several married children, and the ones who were home were not going to get a brand new car out of me.  Also, since there were more than 2 people living in the home, a Smart car didn't make sense (it only has 2 seats).  Two years ago, though, Paul/husband got the idea that we needed a Smart car.  He called me one day and "asked" me about a payment on a Smart car and would we have enough money for a down payment on a lease.  As I tried to talk him out of the purchase/lease, I discovered that the deal had already been done.  We were leasing a Smart car.  I wasn't ready for the change, and he promised that I would continue to drive my preferred car and he would tool around in the Smart car.  That lasted maybe 6 months, maybe less.  Since I commute constantly, it has become my car of choice.  But I have some thoughts about this car that I would like to share (in no specific order).

1. Parking - This little car is amazing.  There is NEVER an issue with parking anywhere.  It fits between nearly any 2 cars around.  I can make a 3rd space where 2 cars are filling 2 spaces.  I can park on the smallest of curbsides.  It is great.  If I am going downtown, this car is a MUST.  The doors are a little larger than expected though, so I have to hold them when I open them so they don't ding the car door next to me.

2. Transmission - OK, I had called my brother to ask if he liked his Smart car.  He said, yes, that he liked it but had to get used to the "weird" transmission.  The first time I drove it, I immediately understood what he was talking about.  It has a semi-automatic(?) transmission.  This means that you must finesse your foot off the pedal when the car wants to change gears.  I worked on trying to be good at this foot art.  I can do it, but, honestly, don't really care if the car jerks forward and back every time it changes gears on its own.  Sometimes it is drastic, most times it just kind of jumps a little.  I hardly care.  If you were my passenger, though, you probably would hate it.  Sometimes the things hanging from my rearview mirror swing a lot and bang back against the dash.  Oh well.

3. Gas mileage - I feel a little gyped here.  I thought I could get at least 50 mpg going on the freeway.  I have tried everything from fancy foot finesse to keeping it under 60 mph.  Nothing, I say nothing, has ever gotten me over 40 mpg.  But that is really ok.  I usually get about 35, even with my crappy, speed demon type driving.  So it is acceptable, but not as optimal as I had assumed it would be when we purchased the car.

4. Temperature - This is the biggest let down of the car.  The air conditioning feels cold, but I think because the windows are so big, it is nearly impossible to get the car cool in the Summer.  Not only that, the vents on the dashboard have limited direction.  I cannot move the air to below my face.  You know how some days you just want to cool off your armpits?!  This is not an option in my car.  AND to top that off, when I put the air to the floor, only about 1/8 of the airflow is available.  I don't understand it.  It is frustrating.

5. Cute - It is cute.  It feels bigger inside that outside.  Sometimes when I see other Smart cars I think that they surely must be smaller than mine because mine feels so big.  Then other times I am reminded that I really am driving around in a clown car!

6. Speed/wind - Because it is so small, there is an issue on a windy day on the freeway.  The car goes plenty fast.  I have driven over 85 mph before without problems.  However, if it is windy, it knocks the car all over the place, and I can't drive more than about 60 mph.  Sometimes too, big trucks can cause this wind disturbance that floats me about.  If I have to go more than 30 miles on the freeway, I drive the other car.  It is just more conducive to freeway driving.

7. Indicators - I am currently dealing with this.  This is just laziness on my part, and probably isn't fair that I put it here.  When a tire is low, or the car is up for maintenance, it flashes a little indicator light on the dash.  I guess because the dash is so small, it must cover up something else.  I have had a low tire and the maintenance has been due for over 2500 miles now.  I have NO IDEA how many miles I actually have on the car.  The indicator lights cover up the mileage.  It's annoying.  I should just take care of it, but haven't.  Boo.

8. Stop lights not changing -  I had a similar problem with this when I drove around on a moped.  The car is small and lightweight.  It doesn't always trigger the lights that are censored by weight.  This happened to me 2 times the other night.  I could not get through 2 lights because the light "gods" never registered that I were there.  One light particular was frustrating because it had cameras for people who did things wrong.  I had to sit and sit, watching the lights cycle 3 times before someone else came up behind me to set me free.  One time I had to sit at Taco Bell for the same reason.  It was sad.  I finally just drove around.  They laughed at me.

Middle of the Night

It is 3:54 am.  And I am awake.  Not necessarily happy about that.   I woke up to the olympics playing on the TV.  An American girl (16yo) tied for first place in a swimming event.  It was such a crazy event that the TV blared about it for a while.  It was pretty incredible to watch.  The problem is, now that I am all jazzed up about her tying for first, I cannot get back to my "happy state" and fall back asleep.

So here we are, together in my blog.  I will write about the things in my heart. Every morning I say my prayers and thank my Heavenly Father for the things I get to do.  In fact, I actually get to work a little early, and I spend a few (3-5) minutes in my car just contemplating the day.  My prayers are not only full of thanksgiving.  I pray every day to be clear minded and to be able to learn quickly.  I also pray that I won't make mistakes and that I will catch others' mistakes.  This is important in my world of chemotherapy.  Then I pray for my family.

Oh, I love my family.  I miss being with my kids.  They have all gotten married and have kids of their own.  A few of them have moved quite a distance.  I have not been attentive to those who even live close though, either.  No excuses (though I have them).  I am changing that though.  I am beginning to make the effort to reach back out to them and let them know I will be there for them and that I love them.  In short order, things will be right.

Sorry you had to hear my middle of the night ramblings....I am going to try and go back to bed now.

First day in Oncology

It didn't feel like I just started the job.  I have been "residing" in the department for about 4 weeks now.  I will now have 3 months of training.

Today was great.  I ran the infusion chair by myself today.  Since it was a Monday, I had to complete a review on each patient.  After I ran all of today's infusions, I was able to prepare for tomorrow.  I reviewed every chart, so I won't have the backlog tomorrow.  Today was interesting.  I had 5 medications that the doses had to be reduced due to bad kidney function.  I cannot just change the dose.  I have to make sure that the physician signs the orders (if they didn't approve it).  This is a problem when the patient arrives at 8:30, and I have already tried to contact the doctor at 8:00 am and they haven't read the new orders.  So, yeah, I had 5 of those today.  BUT, I struggled through it.  I survived.  Yay.  It felt good.  Oh, and I forgot to send one drug in to be reconstituted.  But I got through that too. Day 1, down.

Last Day of Residency

Today was the last day of my 1 year residency.  I wish I would have taken a picture of me in my "garb."  I worked as the product checker in the oncology infusion compounding clean room.  When working in this room, I have to wear the following garb:

• booties over my shoes
• hair covering
• face mask on my mouth and nose
• gloves
• coverall coat
• face shield

Throughout the day I move from hood to hood checking the work that the technicians do.  I make sure the right amount of chemo (or other treatment) is removed from a reconstituted and injected into the IV bag.  There is also some computer work to be attended to by entering all the lot numbers and expiration dates of all the medications and diluents.  The only problem with the whole get up is if you have to go to the bathroom.  You cannot just "run" to the bathroom.  You have to de-garb and re-garb to go back in.  I will be the product checker every 7 weeks.  

On the way home from work I decided to treat myself to a McDonald's cheeseburger and French fries.  I ate it alone and then celebrated a little more by eating some ice cream.  It's no fun to celebrate by yourself.  I can attest to it. 

But, just to shake things up a bit, I did my hair different today.  The picture doesn't show it very well, but I just used mousse and boinged it up a little.  Kind of cute and different. 

So it's done.  On Monday I start my new job.  I am so excited to be an oncology pharmacist.  

Pockets of Time

How do I do it?

I am a pretty busy person.  I am probably not much busier than most, though.  Sometimes people will say to me, "I don't know how you do it."  I look at them and wonder what they are thinking.  I do it the same as they do it.  I do have a few tips though, that I might share.

Scripture Study.  This is a critical part of my testimony.  I know the scriptures are the word of God and that they should be visited every day.  I get tired and fall asleep instantly, so reading right before bedtime just doesn't work for me.  When my kids were little, we bought "disposable" scriptures and read during breakfast (my favorite meal of the day.)  As time went on, and I had a cell phone, I read every single morning before I rolled myself out of bed.  This was particularly helpful during school.  I knew that I could only be blessed in my studies if I made sure to stay focused on the scriptures before I tried to focus on my pharmacy books.  Now, I listen in the car on the way to work.  My commute is 30+ minutes each way.  I can listen to the scriptures and to current conference talks every single day.  At this time in my life, this is working well.

Relief Society President business.  I was given the perfect blessing when I was set apart. In the blessing, the bishop blessed me with "pockets of time."  I definitely have been given multiple times throughout each day to take care of this important calling.  Sometimes, it is just a minute or two in the grocery store line.  Other times, it is a whole evening that was planned with another event, but happened to get cancelled.  Keeping the Sabbath also allows for me to use that day to fulfill this important calling.  Again, I use my commute home to take care of other RS business. 

Pharmacy Study.  Prayer and caffeine. I have always used prayer.  I didn't start using caffeine until my second year of pharmacy school.  I thank Dr. Ofstad for my conversion to the drug world. Haha.  My best time to finish projects is in the morning.  I usually put the finishing touches on a project at about 3 am the morning it is due.  

Work.  I love my job.  I am happy every day that I get to go into the pharmacy and learn more and more.  I enjoy reading the updated literature.  I squeeze this in throughout the day, usually at lunch.  My email inbox is full of emails with the latest information on new drugs.  I read these emails at every opportunity.  Sometimes it is while standing in lines or late at night when I am just finishing up for the day.

Sleep.    I make sure to get good sleep all the time.  This may seem like it conflicts with my pharmacy study technique.  Sometimes sleep does get "put off."  However, I always make sure that I catch up.  Sometimes I will "bank" sleep.  My brother taught me that I could take extra naps ahead of time, days in advance, when I knew I would be under a time crunch.  I love sleep.  

House cleaning.  I don't.  Actually, my best cleaning is done when I am mad.  Too bad I don't get mad at things very often.  In fact, we have a maid come in and clean up for us every 3 weeks.  She takes care of the blinds and the dusting.  It is great, except I hate paying for something that I should be doing myself.  AND I feel a little guilty about this part of my failings.

Taking care of a sick husband.  This is actually not something that I really do.  It appears that I take care of a sick husband because he is often sick, and I am close by.  Mostly, my sick husband takes care of himself.  He just needs me to be there.  So I am there and will always be there.  He supports me 100% of the time.  I will do the same for him.  I love Paul. =)

Family and friends.  I squeeze them in.  I may be lacking in this area.

So there you have it.  If there is something else I should be doing, I try to get it done in my left-over pockets of time.  Life is too, too good. I love every day that I get to spend on this earth with family, friends. It may not be that these tips are helpful to anyone else, but they are working for me.

Final Presentation

Today I finished my final big presentation for my residency year.  I would like to make a few comments about my thoughts.

1.  First off, a residency project is one that takes most of the year to complete.  You start thinking about it on your first day of residency, and then the year culminates in this final presentation in front of other residents and their directors.

2.  I was very blessed because my program had an excellent project for me to jump into on day 1.  I was involved in a pilot program from July 1 to December 31.  My residency project would be an evaluation of that program.  How lucky, because I knew my data very well, because I was the one who generated the data by being involved in the pilot program.

3.  I learned a lot about how to submit an IRB for approval.  This was a grueling process that I went through back last October.  It is a write up of what you want to do.  You have to describe what kind of data you expect to have, what statistical tools you are going to use to look at the data, and what prior research has already been done on your subject.  I did not like this part of my project.  In fact, it caused me a lot of stress and heartache.  But I got it done, and approved.

4.  Once the data starts to be accumulated and analyzed, everything hangs on whether your data goes in the direction you hope.  What if the new program that I was involved with happened to cause diabetics to get worse, not better?!?!  How embarrassing would that be, right?  Luckily, my data went the right direction.  Not only were outcomes improved, but I had enough data to be statistically significant.  Yay!

5.  Then comes March.  They call it March Madness because that is when we prepare our presentation and memorize it.  Yes, word for word.  Not only are the words memorized, but the hand movements and steps are all choreographed.  It is another time of stress and exhaustion.

6.  There were many practice sessions.  These involved other pharmacists coming in to listen and give suggestions on how to be better.  Just when you think you have made the most beautiful presentation, others might say, "I don't understand this slide, you should change it....."  Following these sessions is a grand internal session where you get to go to Oakland and present to the BigWigs.  These guys want to make sure you don't embarrass the company.  They want you to be perfect.  The whole month of March was really to prepare for that session.  So many practices, so many prayers.  Mine went great, I felt.  But I saw others wither under the questions that were designed to make them uncomfortable.  I felt an amazing sense of accomplishment after that.

7.  Then there was another pretty big session, but nothing that I practice for.  I did not do as well as my previous session in Oakland, but I didn't fall on my face.

8.  That brings us to today.  I am in San Diego.  There are hundreds of other residents.  We all have 15 minutes to present and 5 minutes to answer questions.  I have practiced and practiced.  I am wearing my prettiest suit.  I am wearing heels.  My hair is perfect.  When it comes time for me to present, there are only about 10 people in the room.  Even of the 6 classmates that I have here, only 1 came to my presentation.  It's my fault.  I told them they didn't have to come.  BUT, I did go to all of theirs.  This makes me a little sad, but not because of my presentation, but because of the lack of support for each other.  Anyway, my presentation was flawless except 1 word.  Seriously, I couldn't have done much better.  My residency director was there as well as her boss.  They both said I did great.

9.  But now it is over.  My exciting life as a resident truly is ending.  This is the final big presentation.  No more accolades for all my accomplishments.

So those are my thoughts.  I am finishing well.  I am excited about the future.  I must, however, look for other opportunities to expand and to grow.  Pharmacy school and residency have been a grand adventure.  I have been truly blessed to get to do all these things.

This picture is at Jimmy's (Amber and Cameron suggested this great restaurant).  Lewie is my co-resident.

Anxious anyone?

Have you ever done something and then spent the next hours, days, wondering if you should have done it?  This happened to me today.  Without going into detail, I sent an email to a higher-up at my company.  I justified sending him the email because I was responding to an email from him.  It doesn't matter how hard I try to justify it, I still have that "needling" feeling that I shouldn't have sent it.  It has been a few hours now.  I keep saying little prayers that it was the right thing to do. Hoping that I haven't ruined a relationship.  Now I just wish that I felt good about it.  I have played over the words in my email.  They were very carefully written.  Still.....

Hate that icky feeling.

Cloud 9

I remember March 20, 2015 very well.  It was the day of “The Match.” That was the day that would determine my future.  Everything else in my life was put on hold awaiting that fateful day.  It was 5 am.  I had been restless all night, knowing that in the morning, I would receive notice one way or the other.  Not being able to sleep, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to pass the time.  Looking at my email, I could see that the fateful email was in my inbox, much earlier than expected.  The heading to the email gave no indication of what lurked inside.  Should I wait until my husband was awake to share the news together?  My hands shook as I gently pushed the icon to open the email.  In the quiet of the morning, my body flooded with a thousand different emotional responses as I read in big, bold, green letters, “Congratulations.”  Then even more excitement and thrill piled on top as I read that I had been matched to my dream residency, Kaiser Roseville.  After rolling over and kissing my husband on the cheek and telling him the good news, I climbed out of bed and onto the ladder up to Cloud 9.  I was going to be a resident.  I had made it! 

Fast forward 10 months.  I am now, what I feel, an integral part of Kaiser Roseville.  I belong here and feel good about my progress.  But what, I now am reviewing residency applications for the new crop of residents?  They are here to take my place.  They want to kick me out of my dream and take it over!  Why is the year flying by so fast?  Why can’t I hold on to what I have?  And who are these pharmacy students who are so bold as to say they get to take this away? 

As a current resident, I was afforded the opportunity to be on the interview panel for the new residents.  This also brought back memories of the difficult clinical testing, the probing questions, and most of all the panel of interviewers who would determine my fate. As I sat there on the other side of the table, grading these candidates, I couldn’t help but think back about my own interview.  How did they respond to my answer to THAT question?  Was I as flippant as this candidate?  Did they have long discussions about me after my interview, with some people liking me and others wanted to pass over me?  It was actually difficult for me to grade some of them because I feared my own thoughts about how I would answer the question tainted my judgment.  We interviewed some amazing candidates.  Kaiser Roseville will get new and enthusiastic residents next year.  I am sure they will be as excited and thrilled as we have been to be here. 

I have learned a great deal in my residency.  I have cherished every moment of it and continue to hold on tight to the experience.  I am thankful for this wonderful experience given to me. I know I must move on in a few months and become a grown up in my profession.  Passing the torch to the new residents will be bitter sweet.  As I crawl down off this Cloud, I look around at all the opportunities and realize there are many Clouds that await me.

The other side of pharmacy

I have spent the last 3 weeks working as a pharmacist in the ICU.  I am not sure what I expected, but I didn't expect the emotional turmoil that I have experienced.  First off, everyone is excited to attend their first "code blue."  A code blue is when a person basically dies and everyone rushes in and tries to save them, bringing them back to life.  I was called to my first code blue today.  I was in one part of the ER and the code blue was called.  By the time I got there, there were already about 15 people in the room, including the very big nurse doing CPR on the patient.  He was doing excellent CPR.  By excellent, I mean, he was really pushing down on the man's chest, so much so that his stomach was kind of popping out underneath.  They were pushing epinephrine and sodium bicarb for about 10 minutes.  They did get a pulse.  At one point, I was excited because I could see that he was breathing.  However, this elation was quickly replaced with the sickening realization that he was only breathing because the bag on his face was being pumped.  I walked away after about 20 minutes, having done nothing, except be prepared to hand someone some phenylephrine.  One hour later, as I was sitting at my desk, I heard another code blue called to the same room.  I am sure he didn't make it this time.  Ugh.

That was the most recent death that I have been exposed to in the last 10 days.  They seem to have come in 2 waves.  My sweet little naive spirit of "oh life is awesome" is getting some trampling down as I am surrounded by sick people.  Some of them die, oh so quickly, within hours of getting septic with an infection.  Some take 36 hours, like the young guy after a stroke.  Everyone thought he had overdosed or drank too much.  Turns out he just had a stroke, he had a completely clean tox screen.  Some of them moan right before death.  And then there is the one who lingers.  She has been there for 80+ days, infection after infection, with no family that anyone has seen.  As a pharmacist, I get to work on their medications while they are in the ICU.  I become attached to some of the, quietly rooting for them, hoping their bodies can fight off the ailments that brought them there.

So, I have seen another side of pharmacy.  Definitely not what most people think a pharmacist experiences.

JoAnn Roberts 2009

My mom would have been 81 today.  She died in November 2012, during my second year of pharmacy school.  Here is a picture of us in 2006.  She had fallen on her motorized scooter and ended up in the hospital (the reason for the bruises on her chin and cheek).  After this, she was moved into a nursing home.  She never remembered that I visited her that week.  I sent her scrap books of our family to remind her of who we were.  She didn't have Alzheimer's but she had dementia, so she didn't recall a lot of things.  I think it was hard on a lot of people to see her in that kind of setting.  In the end, she was one of the favorites at the nursing home.  I know that several of the workers came to her funeral.  My relationship with my mother was so different from most people's.  I often wonder what it will be like to see her again in the eternities.

Get out of church "FREE?"

I am waiting for my straight iron to heat up.  This morning is stake conference.  My view of stake conference and general conference have changed over time.  When I was a little girl, I could not stand the long boring talks that I sat through.  And since we lived it Utah, they could not be escaped because my parents would turn on the radio and play them throughout the weekend.  It just seemed endless to me.  I could never focus on any one talk long enough to ever enjoy it, or even to understand it.  So growing up, it never held my interest.  When I had kids of my own, the only thing I could think about was how bored they would be with the whole process as well.  So we took our kids up to the mountains or on long drives during stake and general conference.  I actually even called it "get out of church free" day.  I know, I know, this may qualify me for the "Bad Mom Lifetime Award."  So at some point, I actually began to listen to some of those talks.  It wasn't when I was truly converted, it was years later.  I must say, it was probably 12-15 years later, beyond when my kids had grown, later.  I have really only ever sat through 2-3 general conferences and enjoyed most of the talks.  Just recently I have begun to crave the words spoken and am anxiously awaiting today's stake conference and the next general conference.

So the question is.....how do we repent and rectify such a disservice that I have heaped onto my children?  Clearly, the sin of this parent will be laid upon her children.  They saw my attitude.  I see it in them.  Their words reflect my very own.  Sometimes we think we are funny and justified in picking and choosing the parts of the Gospel that we want to live and cast the other to the wind, only to later down the road regret those choices.

Don't get my wrong.  My kids are amazing with great testimonies.  I think they must be stronger spirits that this old woman.  Anyway, I hope that with some of the other things we taught them, they are able to get over my poor teachings. =)