Anxious anyone?

Have you ever done something and then spent the next hours, days, wondering if you should have done it?  This happened to me today.  Without going into detail, I sent an email to a higher-up at my company.  I justified sending him the email because I was responding to an email from him.  It doesn't matter how hard I try to justify it, I still have that "needling" feeling that I shouldn't have sent it.  It has been a few hours now.  I keep saying little prayers that it was the right thing to do. Hoping that I haven't ruined a relationship.  Now I just wish that I felt good about it.  I have played over the words in my email.  They were very carefully written.  Still.....

Hate that icky feeling.

Cloud 9

I remember March 20, 2015 very well.  It was the day of “The Match.” That was the day that would determine my future.  Everything else in my life was put on hold awaiting that fateful day.  It was 5 am.  I had been restless all night, knowing that in the morning, I would receive notice one way or the other.  Not being able to sleep, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to pass the time.  Looking at my email, I could see that the fateful email was in my inbox, much earlier than expected.  The heading to the email gave no indication of what lurked inside.  Should I wait until my husband was awake to share the news together?  My hands shook as I gently pushed the icon to open the email.  In the quiet of the morning, my body flooded with a thousand different emotional responses as I read in big, bold, green letters, “Congratulations.”  Then even more excitement and thrill piled on top as I read that I had been matched to my dream residency, Kaiser Roseville.  After rolling over and kissing my husband on the cheek and telling him the good news, I climbed out of bed and onto the ladder up to Cloud 9.  I was going to be a resident.  I had made it! 

Fast forward 10 months.  I am now, what I feel, an integral part of Kaiser Roseville.  I belong here and feel good about my progress.  But what, I now am reviewing residency applications for the new crop of residents?  They are here to take my place.  They want to kick me out of my dream and take it over!  Why is the year flying by so fast?  Why can’t I hold on to what I have?  And who are these pharmacy students who are so bold as to say they get to take this away? 

As a current resident, I was afforded the opportunity to be on the interview panel for the new residents.  This also brought back memories of the difficult clinical testing, the probing questions, and most of all the panel of interviewers who would determine my fate. As I sat there on the other side of the table, grading these candidates, I couldn’t help but think back about my own interview.  How did they respond to my answer to THAT question?  Was I as flippant as this candidate?  Did they have long discussions about me after my interview, with some people liking me and others wanted to pass over me?  It was actually difficult for me to grade some of them because I feared my own thoughts about how I would answer the question tainted my judgment.  We interviewed some amazing candidates.  Kaiser Roseville will get new and enthusiastic residents next year.  I am sure they will be as excited and thrilled as we have been to be here. 

I have learned a great deal in my residency.  I have cherished every moment of it and continue to hold on tight to the experience.  I am thankful for this wonderful experience given to me. I know I must move on in a few months and become a grown up in my profession.  Passing the torch to the new residents will be bitter sweet.  As I crawl down off this Cloud, I look around at all the opportunities and realize there are many Clouds that await me.