Today it has been 8 weeks since Paul died. It is harder now than it was 4 weeks ago. I miss him more on a daily basis. I cry nearly every time I get in the car to go to work, or to go shopping. As mentioned in a previous post, I just let it happen and ride the wave.
Thanksgiving was very nice. All of my kids are supposed to spend Thanksgiving with their in-laws this year. Paul and I had rented a cabin in Nevada City for the week. We were so giddy, we were like school kids when we secured the cabin. We even drove up to it the week before he died to check out the cabin and decide what we needed to bring and where the dialysis machine would fit, etc. It took me a month to get the nerve to call and cancel. That was really heart-breaking for me. Chris and Emily didn't end up going to their family's Thanksgiving, so we had Thanksgiving at my house. We did all the traditional foods. It was wonderful.
I feel blessed every day.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Halloween and the holidays
Today is Halloween. I am looking forward to so many things as the weather turns cold. I look forward to waking up to a cold room because I like to sleep with windows open. I look forward to seeing all the Christmas decorations and sales begin. I look forward to my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.
I feel good in my life. I cry a little every day. Sometimes I actually create a situation where I know I will cry. I will put on sappy love songs or religious songs that talk about missing a loved one. I think it is ok to evoke these emotions. I want to make sure that I feel the pain of losing Paul. I want to remember how much I love him and miss him. Then when I am done, I turn the songs off and move forward with my life. I hope it is a healthy grief. So stupid that I have to worry about grieving properly so I don't become some freak who never gets over my husband's death.
I enjoy my dog. He has a couple of issues, like chewing everything up. But he keeps me company and spends every moment he can with me. I love that he loves me. And I love that I have someone to hug when I need a little hug.
Random. Sorry.
I feel good in my life. I cry a little every day. Sometimes I actually create a situation where I know I will cry. I will put on sappy love songs or religious songs that talk about missing a loved one. I think it is ok to evoke these emotions. I want to make sure that I feel the pain of losing Paul. I want to remember how much I love him and miss him. Then when I am done, I turn the songs off and move forward with my life. I hope it is a healthy grief. So stupid that I have to worry about grieving properly so I don't become some freak who never gets over my husband's death.
I enjoy my dog. He has a couple of issues, like chewing everything up. But he keeps me company and spends every moment he can with me. I love that he loves me. And I love that I have someone to hug when I need a little hug.
Random. Sorry.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
You're Not Alone
So it has been 14 days since the love of my life left me to pass through the veil and join his sweet wife, Tammy. It still doesn't feel real. Of course, I cry a little every day. I miss calling him at lunch or laying in bed with him for a few minutes when I get home from work. I think I have yet to feel the full weight of the loss. I got the sweetest note today from a friend.
This is a "one set of footprints in the sand" kind of time, and we know from personal life experiences, our testimony that you and the Savior are having a very special walk right now. We know He is carrying you, PeriAnn!
This is a bittersweet time, most bitter because of your separation from your beloved eternal companion, and yes, sweet beyond measure because the dear Lord is cradling you in his very arms. . . PeriAnn, no one has Jesus Christ's heart as do the widow's and the fatherless! He loves you! He will lift your burdens! He will comfort you! He will intercede with the Father on your behalf!
The note said a lot more things, but this made me feel right and whole. It is true. I know that the Lord loves his little girls. He has protected and comforted me in times in the past, and I know I can turn to him now.
I was helping someone in the pharmacy today look for some nose strips to help them stop snoring. I had a funny though....I don't have to worry about snoring. 😏
This is a "one set of footprints in the sand" kind of time, and we know from personal life experiences, our testimony that you and the Savior are having a very special walk right now. We know He is carrying you, PeriAnn!
This is a bittersweet time, most bitter because of your separation from your beloved eternal companion, and yes, sweet beyond measure because the dear Lord is cradling you in his very arms. . . PeriAnn, no one has Jesus Christ's heart as do the widow's and the fatherless! He loves you! He will lift your burdens! He will comfort you! He will intercede with the Father on your behalf!
The note said a lot more things, but this made me feel right and whole. It is true. I know that the Lord loves his little girls. He has protected and comforted me in times in the past, and I know I can turn to him now.
I was helping someone in the pharmacy today look for some nose strips to help them stop snoring. I had a funny though....I don't have to worry about snoring. 😏
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Transformed in Sacrament Meeting
We went to BYU education week a couple of weeks ago. It was my first time. I cannot even begin to describe how much it changed my life! Every day was filled with exciting new information that I can use to change my life. I have come home energized and re-committed to change my life and how I take advantage of the gospel.
One particular class has particularly changed my Sundays. It was titled "Transforming your Life - Making the Most of Sacrament Meeting." I wanted to go to this class because the church has been focused on our Sabbath observance. The class gave tools to help you change how you approach the Sabbath, and what to do to prepare for, partake in, and then ponder after church services. I have shared the fundamentals of the class with a few of my friends, and they too have been thrilled with the results.
I would like to share a tender mercy from the Lord that happened this last Sunday. I took notes in sacrament meeting and wrote down a particular scripture reference quoted. When I got home, I was sharing my experience with Paul, my husband. We went through all the talks and were looking up the scriptures and talks that were referenced. When we got to a particular scripture, I read it out loud, and Paul and I both looked at each other incredulously, because it was exactly what I had been praying to understand/know. Then just a second later, I realized that I read the wrong scripture. I had actually read the scripture just BEFORE the referenced scripture. I love how the Spirit does that! It reminds me that I am known and loved by my Heavenly Parents.
This has happened to me the in past. Particular scriptures have reached out to me and answered pleas and prayers. Sometimes it has happened in a dramatic situation, and sometimes, it has happened in a small quiet moment like this Sunday.
This is us. We didn't have anyone around to take a picture of both of us. This was day 2 when we went to the Marriott Center for Tuesday's devotional.
One particular class has particularly changed my Sundays. It was titled "Transforming your Life - Making the Most of Sacrament Meeting." I wanted to go to this class because the church has been focused on our Sabbath observance. The class gave tools to help you change how you approach the Sabbath, and what to do to prepare for, partake in, and then ponder after church services. I have shared the fundamentals of the class with a few of my friends, and they too have been thrilled with the results.
I would like to share a tender mercy from the Lord that happened this last Sunday. I took notes in sacrament meeting and wrote down a particular scripture reference quoted. When I got home, I was sharing my experience with Paul, my husband. We went through all the talks and were looking up the scriptures and talks that were referenced. When we got to a particular scripture, I read it out loud, and Paul and I both looked at each other incredulously, because it was exactly what I had been praying to understand/know. Then just a second later, I realized that I read the wrong scripture. I had actually read the scripture just BEFORE the referenced scripture. I love how the Spirit does that! It reminds me that I am known and loved by my Heavenly Parents.
This has happened to me the in past. Particular scriptures have reached out to me and answered pleas and prayers. Sometimes it has happened in a dramatic situation, and sometimes, it has happened in a small quiet moment like this Sunday.
Friday, July 21, 2017
2017 so far
It has been a long, rough year. I have not wanted to actually write down my feelings about how hard it has been because I knew it would sound like I was whining or complaining. I have been incredibly blessed, so I have just kept plodding along, hoping that there would be a resolution. Paul has been sick, in and out of the hospital since January 6. It actually probably started last November 2016 when he was in the hospital with a systemic blood infection. I felt like he was let go home too soon. He was dehydrated and sent home after only 2 days. Then he had his concerts. He got more tired and more tire. But he always pushes himself through the Christmas concert season, and I let him. So he went in for regular labs one evening in January after the season was over. We got a frantic call, the morning of January 6th (my first day off in a long time) to go to the ER immediately because his kidneys were failing. His serum creatinine was over 8!. Just for reference, yours and mine are probably around 0.7-1. So we went and they pumped him full of fluids for 7 days. His creatinine went down to about 6.5. But that was it. NO ONE CAN LIVE AT THAT LEVEL WITHOUT DIALYSIS. But they sent him home!!! I did not understand. I was confused. Why would they do that? Did they send him home to die? So he went home. We figured this was it, and he was dying. We let the kids in on the news and settled in. All the kids came into town. About 5 days later, Paul's system began to be filled with toxins because his kidneys weren't working and there was no word from the doctor. He was hallucinating and completely out of it. Finally we brought him into the emergency room. All the kids were in town and took their "final" pictures with him. The ER doctors asked if he wanted a DNR because he was so far gone. NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT DIALYSIS. What the heck?! He is admitted to the hospital. For a couple of days the doctors come and go. I am at work and never able to meet up with the doctors. Finally, one day my daughter calls that the nephrologist is there, so I run over from work. I ask the MD for PLAN. Please let me know what we are doing about dialysis and a future. This nephrologist finally worked out a plan with me to get him on regular dialysis IN OUR HOME. He helped set me up with training. Days and weeks later, I am trained. We have several visits to the ER with issues of infection, low blood sugar, falls, and altered mental status.
Finally, in April things seem fairly smooth and we actually travel to Florida for a week. Mid week, we notice that Paul's big toe is turning black. We send a picture to his doctor, who tells us to go to the ER in Florida. We know that is a bad idea. Even looking back now, we know he would still be in Florida. We come back and go directly to the ER, where the amputations begin. First half foot, home to a hospital bed with 24 hour care, second, a whole foot amputation into the nursing home, fall, fall, fall. Third, the next amputation a little higher, back to the nursing home. We are heading into week 9 of the nursing home. No falls with this amputation. Yay, and holding our breath. The doctor has given the go-ahead for a vacation in 4 weeks to Utah. We have been through a couple of infections with the amputations, with one currently.
So you see, the whole year has been one long health care saga with Paul. It is still continuing. I see Paul daily. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I wake up at 3:45 so I can go to the nursing home and pick up Paul to bring him to dialysis. All the other days I go to the nursing home after work to visit him. Both of us try to keep our spirits high. We both know we are blessed. We aren't mad or cursing our situation. But we are both tired. We are both sad. It is a long, tiring road.
Finally, in April things seem fairly smooth and we actually travel to Florida for a week. Mid week, we notice that Paul's big toe is turning black. We send a picture to his doctor, who tells us to go to the ER in Florida. We know that is a bad idea. Even looking back now, we know he would still be in Florida. We come back and go directly to the ER, where the amputations begin. First half foot, home to a hospital bed with 24 hour care, second, a whole foot amputation into the nursing home, fall, fall, fall. Third, the next amputation a little higher, back to the nursing home. We are heading into week 9 of the nursing home. No falls with this amputation. Yay, and holding our breath. The doctor has given the go-ahead for a vacation in 4 weeks to Utah. We have been through a couple of infections with the amputations, with one currently.
So you see, the whole year has been one long health care saga with Paul. It is still continuing. I see Paul daily. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I wake up at 3:45 so I can go to the nursing home and pick up Paul to bring him to dialysis. All the other days I go to the nursing home after work to visit him. Both of us try to keep our spirits high. We both know we are blessed. We aren't mad or cursing our situation. But we are both tired. We are both sad. It is a long, tiring road.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Grandparents
When I was a child, we would visit both sets of grandparents. They lived about 8 minutes apart. My Grandmother Hart was a very stuffy lady, but for some reason I wanted to be like her. She never wanted to be called Grandma, because that would make her seem old. She wanted to be called Grandmother. She was a health food fanatic/freak. If I was ever hungry (always) she would say, "have some honey water." What a joke! Nobody wants honey water. Ever. Period. My other grandma was just your normal grandma. She ALWAYS had homemade cookies in her freezer. She also had an electrical fence around her property. We thought it was fun to try and touch the fence. It sent a "zing" through your body. Haha, we were such idiots. One time, I was showing this to my cousin, Sherry, from the other side of the family. She decided to grab the fence, instead of just touch it. Her hand grasped onto the wire and wouldn't let go. Oh my, the drama. I am pretty sure I got in trouble.
My Grandad, yes, he wanted to be called Grandad for the same reason his wife wanted to be called Grandmother, would take us in his Jeep to the post office to mail off books. He would load up as many of us grandkids in the open back of this Jeep, or he would attach a trailer to the back of the Jeep if there were too many of us, and off we would go. Too bad kids don't get to do that these days. My Grandpa ran a movie theater, he would let us go to the movies for free. But it was Lewiston, Utah. Not many blockbusters went to Lewiston. Ha.
Grandad Hart
Grandmother Hart
Grandma and Grandpa Roberts
My Grandad, yes, he wanted to be called Grandad for the same reason his wife wanted to be called Grandmother, would take us in his Jeep to the post office to mail off books. He would load up as many of us grandkids in the open back of this Jeep, or he would attach a trailer to the back of the Jeep if there were too many of us, and off we would go. Too bad kids don't get to do that these days. My Grandpa ran a movie theater, he would let us go to the movies for free. But it was Lewiston, Utah. Not many blockbusters went to Lewiston. Ha.
Grandad Hart
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Mother's Day
I looked up 52 Stories about mothers looking for just the right question to write about today. Since I have a "different" kind of Mom, I decided to write just about a couple of things that I learned from her.
First, and foremost, my mother taught me to pray. I don't remember her teaching it. I just remember that we always prayed in our home. We prayed for every meal. We had family prayer. And I always prayed before I went to bed. This is kind of interesting to me because I don't think that our home was a super spiritual home. We didn't talk gospel principles all day long. But prayer was huge. I hope that I have instilled the importance of constant prayer into my children's lives. Prayer has gotten me through everything that I have ever struggled through. Prayer is a critical tool in my daily life. I don't feel like I can enter any pharmacy without first petitioning the Lord to protect me and my patients. Every meal must be blessed and a note a gratitude given to the Lord for his goodness. More and more, we pray in the morning for the protection and love of our family, children, grandchildren, and friends. I already know the Lord is listening. He is there and hears me. I know it.
Next, somehow, my mom taught me how important education was. I don't know how she did this. She made learning fun. Somehow she rewarded me for being a good student. It wasn't just the $10 for every A I made. There was something in the demeanor about her that said, "college is next." It never occurred to me to not go to college. It was the logical next step in my progression. My love of learning and my passion for school are clearly a result of her encouragement. You can see it in me and in all my siblings.
So maybe not such a good trait, my mom really loved to laugh with her kids. Even when the jokes were a little raunchy, she still loved to look at her children and enjoy them. I think that I got this from her. I love watching my kids grow. I love laughing with them and at them. What a joy it is to hang out with them, even when they are a little crazy and a lot irreverent. They are amazing individuals who are bright, intelligent, funny, happy, and wise. I can learn a lot from them all. When we get together, I cherish the moments when I see them interacting with each other in a fun and loving way. I think my mom set this quiet example for me.
I am sure there are more examples. But a long blog post is icky. This is me on my mom's lap and my 4 older brothers. Happy Mother's Day, not just to you, Mom, but to all the cool mom's out there.
First, and foremost, my mother taught me to pray. I don't remember her teaching it. I just remember that we always prayed in our home. We prayed for every meal. We had family prayer. And I always prayed before I went to bed. This is kind of interesting to me because I don't think that our home was a super spiritual home. We didn't talk gospel principles all day long. But prayer was huge. I hope that I have instilled the importance of constant prayer into my children's lives. Prayer has gotten me through everything that I have ever struggled through. Prayer is a critical tool in my daily life. I don't feel like I can enter any pharmacy without first petitioning the Lord to protect me and my patients. Every meal must be blessed and a note a gratitude given to the Lord for his goodness. More and more, we pray in the morning for the protection and love of our family, children, grandchildren, and friends. I already know the Lord is listening. He is there and hears me. I know it.
Next, somehow, my mom taught me how important education was. I don't know how she did this. She made learning fun. Somehow she rewarded me for being a good student. It wasn't just the $10 for every A I made. There was something in the demeanor about her that said, "college is next." It never occurred to me to not go to college. It was the logical next step in my progression. My love of learning and my passion for school are clearly a result of her encouragement. You can see it in me and in all my siblings.
So maybe not such a good trait, my mom really loved to laugh with her kids. Even when the jokes were a little raunchy, she still loved to look at her children and enjoy them. I think that I got this from her. I love watching my kids grow. I love laughing with them and at them. What a joy it is to hang out with them, even when they are a little crazy and a lot irreverent. They are amazing individuals who are bright, intelligent, funny, happy, and wise. I can learn a lot from them all. When we get together, I cherish the moments when I see them interacting with each other in a fun and loving way. I think my mom set this quiet example for me.
I am sure there are more examples. But a long blog post is icky. This is me on my mom's lap and my 4 older brothers. Happy Mother's Day, not just to you, Mom, but to all the cool mom's out there.
Monday, March 13, 2017
My most memorable meal
I never really thought I was a picky eater. I knew that I didn't like strawberries and tomatoes. I just didn't realize that there was a TON of things I don't really like to eat. I began to realize this as I begin going out to eat with my friends in school and then work. I really don't like ANY berries. I only like American food. I don't like Thai or Sushi. Chinese food is only good if it is from Panda Express. But I don't want to be so picky that people don't want to go to a restaurant with me. So I am always determined just to find SOMETHING on the menu that I can eat. About 1 year ago, I was in San Francisco with a bunch of other residents. They decided to go to eat at a Korean restaurant. They asked me if that would be ok. I agreed, knowing that I can always find something, even if it is just rice. When we sat down and they handed me the menu, I struggled to keep from crying. There was NOTHING there that I thought I could eat. I put the menu down and discreetly took a picture to send to my husband. I tried to be funny because I was in a pickle for sure! I ended up ordering a chicken wing thing. When it arrived, it was so spicy that it actually burned my nostrils. No way could I even eat it. So I asked for a piece of bread. I happened to notice that on other peoples' plates they got bread. The waiter informed me that it would cost extra. I didn't care. I was starving at this point, and needed some sustenance. In the meantime, everyone else was chowing down on their favorite Korean delights. Most of the people at the table ordered bone marrow. Ugh. Gross. Disgusting. Here is a picture for your enjoyment or disgust! (notice the bread) It's a freakin' femur! Ugh, t-cells, b-cells, nasty, ew....
Sunday, March 12, 2017
If my kids were superheroes
A while back my brother asked me which super heroes my kids would be. I posted it on his timeline, but thought I would re-post it here....Enjoy! (I posted this on Facebook too)
Ashley – Wonder Woman - a natural leader, and not afraid to step up and take control of any situation, keen insight in the world around, quick thinking and decisive attitude that can save lives.
Chris – Ironman - Unshakeable self-confidence, but arrogance sometimes rubs people the wrong way but has that rare combination of ‘know how’ and ‘can do’ to back it up. No time for stupid rules. A loyal friend.
Amber – Dazzler – ability to transduce sonic vibrations which leave her body into various types of light. Operates over a great range of frequencies, including the audible spectrum with different sound pressures levels regardless of complexity, dissonance, or randomness of the sound.
Christina – Storm - Quiet demeanor contradicted by the intensity of her gaze. A most loyal friend who works hard to protect those close to her. Strangers are cautious around her because they can sense she would make a fierce enemy.
Whitney – Green Lantern - Has mastered her fears and gets great strength from her willpower. However her real gift is her creativity. Her ability to think laterally gets her out of many curly situations.
Clayton – Wolverine – Does not put up with other peoples cr*p. Not scared of anything - in fact, lives for the next adrenaline rush. If there is a job that needs getting done fast with no mucking around his name is top of the list.
Sydney – Sonja – because she’s awesome.
Ashley – Wonder Woman - a natural leader, and not afraid to step up and take control of any situation, keen insight in the world around, quick thinking and decisive attitude that can save lives.
Chris – Ironman - Unshakeable self-confidence, but arrogance sometimes rubs people the wrong way but has that rare combination of ‘know how’ and ‘can do’ to back it up. No time for stupid rules. A loyal friend.
Amber – Dazzler – ability to transduce sonic vibrations which leave her body into various types of light. Operates over a great range of frequencies, including the audible spectrum with different sound pressures levels regardless of complexity, dissonance, or randomness of the sound.
Christina – Storm - Quiet demeanor contradicted by the intensity of her gaze. A most loyal friend who works hard to protect those close to her. Strangers are cautious around her because they can sense she would make a fierce enemy.
Whitney – Green Lantern - Has mastered her fears and gets great strength from her willpower. However her real gift is her creativity. Her ability to think laterally gets her out of many curly situations.
Clayton – Wolverine – Does not put up with other peoples cr*p. Not scared of anything - in fact, lives for the next adrenaline rush. If there is a job that needs getting done fast with no mucking around his name is top of the list.
Sydney – Sonja – because she’s awesome.
While preparing for my RS lesson today, I came across something that the church puts out to help people with their journalling. It is called #52stories. They have lists of 12 ideas at a time to help you write.
What is my earliest memory of feeling proud of myself-at school, in sports, in art or music, in a club or scouting?
I think I was a pretty good student throughout my life, not necessarily having to study much. In 5th grade, I remember a test about geography. There was a question on the test that had the answer "Suez Canal." I was the only person in the class who got it right. The teacher pointed out that I was the only one. It made me feel super smart. Somehow, I had just remembered the right answer. I think I got 100% on that test.
Another time in 10th grade, I asked my math teacher a question. I guess the question was fairly complex but intelligent. He said outloud, "are your brothers as smart as you?" Wow, talk about instilling confidence in someone! I felt so smart yet again.
That same year, I took a history test and didn't study. I am not sure, but I think I might have failed it. I do know that I did pretty poorly on it. It had a bunch of dates to be memorized. I determined in my mind that the next history test would not trip me up. So I studied and aced all the exams after that.
In my 2nd year of college, one of my professors only gave minimal homework in the Calculus 2 class. So I only did the minimal work. I failed the first test with a 56%. I was devastated! I determined that I would do all the problems in the book after that, no matter what the assignments were. The next test I got 100%, and my cumulative score was the highest in the class.
I have a bit of a competitive nature when it comes to school work. For some reason, I want the highest score. I want to get the most difficult questions right. I am not that way about card games or sports. Those other things are just fun for me whether I win or lose. But give me a B on a test that other people get an A on, and I will freakin' go into a depression!
So there you have it.
What is my earliest memory of feeling proud of myself-at school, in sports, in art or music, in a club or scouting?
I think I was a pretty good student throughout my life, not necessarily having to study much. In 5th grade, I remember a test about geography. There was a question on the test that had the answer "Suez Canal." I was the only person in the class who got it right. The teacher pointed out that I was the only one. It made me feel super smart. Somehow, I had just remembered the right answer. I think I got 100% on that test.
Another time in 10th grade, I asked my math teacher a question. I guess the question was fairly complex but intelligent. He said outloud, "are your brothers as smart as you?" Wow, talk about instilling confidence in someone! I felt so smart yet again.
That same year, I took a history test and didn't study. I am not sure, but I think I might have failed it. I do know that I did pretty poorly on it. It had a bunch of dates to be memorized. I determined in my mind that the next history test would not trip me up. So I studied and aced all the exams after that.
In my 2nd year of college, one of my professors only gave minimal homework in the Calculus 2 class. So I only did the minimal work. I failed the first test with a 56%. I was devastated! I determined that I would do all the problems in the book after that, no matter what the assignments were. The next test I got 100%, and my cumulative score was the highest in the class.
I have a bit of a competitive nature when it comes to school work. For some reason, I want the highest score. I want to get the most difficult questions right. I am not that way about card games or sports. Those other things are just fun for me whether I win or lose. But give me a B on a test that other people get an A on, and I will freakin' go into a depression!
So there you have it.
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